Published December 26, 2009
Chapter 1
The blinding sun shone through my window, casting a bright light on my face. I squinted, threw the covers off of my body, stood up, and prepared for the day. I closed my door, and dressed myself in my usual attire: A Baltimore Raven’s jersey, American Eagle skinny jeans, and to top it all off, Uggs.
I brushed my long, black hair, and stared at my reflection in the mirror. On the outside, I looked like a perfectly normal human, but on the inside…well, that’s another story. I gathered up my PJs, hauled them to the hamper, and walked downstairs. The gang was already seated at the table, stuffing their faces. Angela, the woman who took me in when I was little, smiled at me as I set down next to her daughter, Katie.
“Hey, how’s it going, Lyra?” she asked, passing me the eggs.
I emptied the contents onto my plate, and replied,
“Not bad. Didn’t sleep well last night.”
A sympathizing look appeared on her face. Katie felt the need to break the silence.
“So, you coming to school today, Lyra?” she asked in her most innocent voice.
If Angela wasn’t there, I would have literately pummeled her. Angela looked puzzled.
“What are you talking about, Katie?”
I smashed my fist against my plate with such force, that it shattered all over the table. Angela’s husband, Bart, immediately ran into the room.
“Shut up, Katie!” I screamed, running out of the kitchen.
I turned around and saw her smiling evilly.
“What? Are you afraid to tell Mother that you’ve been playing hooky for the past 2 weeks?”
I shot her an icy stare, then slammed the door behind me.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey there. 'Tis Stori.
I don't have much to say about this. You haven't given me enough to go on.
That being said, in the prolog Lyra shifted into a cat.
I like cats as much as the next fellow, but they're all over the
place. Perhaps a fox or a raccoon would be more interesting?
Well done! You paint a picture with your writing, and I'm anxious to read the next chapters. I only have two suggestions. A: Make it longer, because chapters usually seem to be 9 or 10 pages, and B: try to not make it as though we're reading the story in the character's eyes. That may not be in everyone's best taste, but whatever. Still, a good story though, I'm going to read chapter 2 right now!
Thank you guys! I really appreciate all you're help and suggestions. I am posting the next chapters that I have done right now, so please read! Thanks again.
AMGreen
The other people got most of it, but there's one thing I'd like to add:
This line seems very out of place to me. It's good that you included something that says this is about more than skipping school, but you should show it rather than tell it. Maybe she's still occasionally surprised when she sees her normal human face. Or something.
This applies to the rest of the chapter too. Showing more things rather than telling, as well as adding a bit more detail, would be great. It'll also help fix the lack-of-length issue.
Plot wise, I really want to know what happens next. What is she? Why has she been missing school? I'm definitely reading the next chapter when it's put up.
(Of course this is my first review in a while so you shouldn't trust me completely. >.> Good luck.)
1.) [The first several sentences of this start is quite boring. There's no hook to grab the reader's attention. Don't take the reader's attention for granted. People continue reading something when it sparks their interest. I suggest you look for the spark that will bring to life the start of your first chapter.]
2.) [Next time, try to describe the look on a person's face instead of relying on adjectives.]
3.) [This whole part happened in a flurry that left me confused. It's interesting how she smashes the plate, but that's it. You need to take time to to flesh the conversation out and build the tension to the part where everything explodes. Don't do it quickly or the reader will feel that you didn't care about you wrote.]
Hey there, this chapter still needs some work so I suggest you return to it, add more in terms of the quality of the conversation, and find a hook that will draw readers in. Hope this helps and keep writing!
Suzu
Having just read the prologue, the first chapter is much better, although far too short. I'd cut out the labels if I were you--it comes off as a cheap thrill, no offense meant. In this case, a little backstory might actually be needed. A moment ago she was running from a captor. Now she's at breakfast, and we learn she's been playing hooky. Why, though? I'm definitely interested in seeing more.
Hello! Welcome to YWS!
Good introduction. But it's very short . . . you might be able to hook more readers if you gave them a glimpse of what's in store for them. There wasn't much description either, what does the kitchen look, smell, and feel like?
I'm curious what will happen next, I bet you have something interesting coming up. Keep it up!
Hey A.M.! I shall be your reviewer for today!
This seems like they haven't seen each other in a long time...try something like "Good Morning Lyra!" Something more casual I guess you could say.I was really excited to read this, I LOVE sci-fi and this looked interesting.
Oh no, no no you didn't! That is bad messy paragraph thing. It should be like this.
I emptied my contents onto my plate and replied, "Not bad. Didn't sleep well last night."
Also, you say not bad, but she didn't sleep well? Add though somewhere in the second sentence.
Why did she feel the need to break the silence? Was she uncomfortable or what?
Haha, great! A lot of emotion! Yay!
It was short for a chapter, but that's okay. Anyways, this was very good, and I'm interested in what's gonna happen next. Maybe in this chapter you should add a little more. Maybe what the others looked like, and what's going on. Since it was short, people are gonna get lost. Otherwise, it was great!
Can't wait for chapter 2!
~Forest